From the first place we laid together...Where we watched tv and I smelled her hair and she was snuggled close to me....She was so warm and it was so unbelieveable. That she wanted me. Why? I told her I was horrible.

I didn't really remember this one but I guess its a good thing that I don't want to remember anymore.

It hurts so much to remember any of this but I can barely remember it now even with the pictures so I guess its a good thing. It hurts so bad....I am in tears already. A place I felt was so wonderful, would be like hell to ever go back to. I'm so dumb. I am so dumb.......I don't think Ive ever done, went so far, and spent so much time loving someone like I have Brittany Rae Magby. I've never driven over 12 hours one way to see someone I've never met. I've never been so nervous to even touch someone for fear of ruining them. I've never bought anyone a Frankenstein monster build a bear. I've never tattooed any animals on me because I missed someone so much that I wanted to feel them with me always. I've never not been ashamed of being out in public except her.

I've never sat up at night and watch anyone sleep....I've never wanted to hold anyone so close to me so I can't feel them getting away. I've never wanted to see anyone face first thing in the morning.....I've never been so happy except when I am with Brittany. I've never cried so hard because someone had to go that I almost wrecked on my way home.....I've never done any of that because if I did, I figured I would remember.

    Where did it come from? I don't really know anymore. Nothing is the same and no matter what I do....It doesn't change any thing for me....for me to remember any of this. Who ever you are...I know that I loved you and I guess in some way still do to remember any of this....why have I forgotten?....Too late to question it isn't it. I just hope after all this time....it is worth remember who ever she is. I guess I was so horrible that I didn't deserve her heart anymore. I just wish now, if there was any way for me to change things that I knew what it was....Me being the foolish person I am always believes....nothing is ever too late nor is it impossible....to death do we part...but obviously, it happened much earlier than that. fucking fucking idiot.

But is any of this worth of my readers time....or effort to remember.....we all have our own merits for anything....I can't says I blame anyone to find any significance in this.

This I think was our last date we ever had I think....it looks so blurry now.

How does she feel at this moment? In such frustration in such despair....she appears as I feel....except she is so beautiful even when she cries....I love her...

Even when she is sleeping....She is so cute...like a fucking log....

                         At times like these...I kept wishing she was looking down at me and not just her blackberry. So close I could touch her....

I am so forgetful at times but when I lay with her in bed...I feel safe, wonderful, at ease, and completely satisfied just to have her....

             It does not scare me nor make me feel unmoved....To see the blood recently made me feel for her....Less than me....as she has been bleeding me out of her heart I prayed everyday,"Please God don't take her from me." I know I don't deserve her but she is my everything...

       The last time Ive seen her and maybe last time ever....I'm sorry Brittany. If I could change quicker...I would...please don't leave me alone....please......

I

Where do I begin...

I had something so special and you fucked it up

I remember her telling me, "its not too late."

I'm embarrassed to be crying...

I guess its easier when no one sees you

Please don't let go so quickly

How do I lose the greatest thing in my life?

because I am too late....

I love you so very much...

Is there ever a pleasant good bye....

To the end I will believe nothing is ever too late....

But for now...

I'm left like this.....drowning.....

I'm sorry....just please don't let me go...

I remember I asked myself what has come from so much time back and forth disagreements and dishearting silences. Perfection............

I can't help but think about this face....Always saying why me? Always saying that she isn't anything special. I was laughing to myself even when we ended up just being friends. It was such a long time ago. I am kicking myself so hard wondering, why didn't I find her sooner?

I don't have very few passions in my life and even as a friend, this face always made me smile. Always made me happy even when she was sad. Even when she felt like she couldn't take anymore, I was always there, as much as I could be.

All the pouty faces....I can't even stop crying as I even think about all it. How I will miss that face when I'm gone from this world but I'm not worth the effort I guess. My wonderful young friend. She is the most beautiful person Ive ever had the privilege to have in my life.....

She gave me this face...like she was so surprised. I'm not sure why.

I'm not willing to throw away all of those special moments for anything unless my life passes which could be any day now. I've always said I would have a short life and always wanted one. I just wish that someone would have the courage to be as they say they are....things wouldn't hurt so much....I guess its easier when they don't see me though like Sabrina didn't. I'm not worth even being friends with. I'm not even good enough for a short time. I guess no one is ever ready when someone you care so much about just doesn't even give you a proper chance to say good bye....not a hug...or a wave....not even a simple handshake.....I believe I deserve everything that I get in life....good, the bad, the horrible...I'm trying to figure out why God put her in my life and then wants to take her out of it so abruptly. What could I have possibly done to deserve this...

I can almost remember the pain she shared with me at every moment

I could cry just peering into her eyes knowing how imperfect love can be

To anyones heart...

She never deserved to taste the pain

That makes its home inside my heart

everything that makes me....me...

The incredible goofy Calvin Klein model

So modest uncaring of everything but her hair

Why bother....

To be such a wonderful  be so moving without boundaries

except to have none....

From the nights of wishing

wishing she layed next to me

or just laughing on the couch

dirty looks awkward smiles

I  remember the last time I didn't feel deserving of all of that...

Just about everyday...

Everyday I feel undeserving of that smiling face

Her sensitive heart and every moment

From the first shaking touch

To the last tear...I feel blessed and ashamed

To even assume to have someone so wonderful

To desire someone as filthy and grotesque as me

To share in any aspect of a precious moment she gives

Friend, lover, acquiantance

I deserve nothing....

So that as logic goes I have nothing....

But what my heart always has... 

......emptiness...

    I'm sorry                                                                                                                            

Always desiring just one last moment even at a couch cushion away.....